It's a long long good-bye

My Resolution:

I will move on.
I will stop wallowing in Self Pity.
I will work harder.

I must be selfish.
Cause trying to live to everyone's expectations
Is so frustrating.

Being different is not a Sin.
It's just that people seldom understand.

There's a little Dan Jansen in all of us.

You may fall down alot of time in the journey of Life,
And sometimes it's not good enough,
To just get up and continue running.
Especially when running in circles,
Cause you'll be forever trapped in the same spot,
Never to improve,
Doomed to fail.
Be different,
Run straight 0.o
That's when you'll truly see,
The difference
The results
The Answers

What's written above was what our Principal shared with us yesterday.
Heros have their fair share of Epic Failures.

Believe

Me think me found Motivation.
Let's hope it last.

And it came from somewhere really unexpected.

I know BW will verbally torture me if he happened to chance upon this post, but I'll risk it anyway.

Apparently amongst the very, very random conversations I had with my friends over lunch yesterday, I was told by Jas that some girl actually admired me. I was surprised and a little sceptic when I heard it, but the reactions (Hint:Sarcasm) from the dear BW and his partner in crime, which I would name here as V, was an Overkill. Well it sort of brighten my day a little, for I don't get to hear compliments like this often. In fact, the things I usually hear are sarcastic remarks made to me by perpetrators who don't even make any effort to conceal their identities. Oh well, maybe it's cause they don't feel the need to, and the reason behind these? I'm nice, and perhaps easy to bully lol.

If I were God, it would be a Sin to be Nice =3

Anyway,
Since there's someone out there who admires such a klutz like me,
There's a very, very high probability that you, the superior one, have people admiring you in this vast universe.
Perhaps they might even harbour feelings for you LoL.

This is a Game of [Concentration]

Studies is like a Game of Concentration,
Concentration which requires Focus, Discipline, Control.
The 3 vital conditions which I lack;
to grant me the "uber-gayness concentration" in to ace my studies.

Mid Years, like Death;
its arrival is inevitable.
Cold like Winter , Merciless like the Flow of Time,
Even the strongest Soul quiver at the mere mention of its name.
Yet I still sit here typing,
disregarding the fact I shall face it tomorrow.

If Mid Years existed as a person,
I would probably just looked straight into its eyes and laugh:
"LOL~! Sorry, just wanted to have a kick of saying that to you in the face"

Ok I'm Lazy.
Take "Lazy" and multiply it by several folds,
that's the level of Laziness which I possess alone.
Seems like I'm not alone in this family.
My sister is still doing her Chinese homework, 10 pages long, as I type.

Marked For Death? o.O~!

Apparently, the lack of adequate rest has led to my thought process to be retarded, actions stupefied and a loss in sense of time and direction.

On two occasions, I was THAT close to being knocked down by a medium size truck and a van respectively.

On the first occasion, while crossing the road when the Green Man was still brightly lit on the traffic light and not flashing, a bloody truck, which was obviously speeding, almost failed to stop at the road junction. Well, almost, until the truck driver suddenly saw me strolling across the road and then braked suddenly.

The truck was like, 1m away from me and I swear that I felt a sudden gush of wind rushing at me when that truck braked suddenly. Even the people in the nearby bus stop gasped. But strangely, I felt nothing. I stared at the truck blankly for a while and continued towards the other side of the road. It is only when I saw some reactions from several people in the bus stop then I realized that I was so close to getting involved in an accident. In fact, I had to actually remind myself that I am suppose to feel shaken bout the near accident earlier.

The other occasion happened near to where I'm currently staying at. The particular traffic light which I usually use has the habit of changing from green to red man at a very, very fast pace. I was only 3/4 across the road when the green man turned red, but I didnt take notice of that. At this moment, a van almost came into contact with me. It was so close, I could actually see the driver and the passenger pressing against the window LoL. This is when I noticed that the traffic light has gone green, and apparently, after walking for several steps, then I realize that I felt nothing. No skip in heartbeat. I had to remind myself again that I was suppose to feel shaken due to the near brush with the Grim Reaper.

Hmm. Losing sleep = Losing it? A possible hypothesis.

Christian "Latin"

Sometimes when people try to get close to me,
I'll shun them away.

But when I try to get close to somebody,
why do I find myself shunning that person away from me?

"Maybe I'm not ready.
Maybe I'm just not worthy of the Queen.
Maybe I'm thinking of too much excuses to take any actions."

2 possible choices to decide from. And I cant, for Hell, decide.

It's not that I got a phobia of making decisions,
It's just that, I fear the consequences which come after them.
Some of their effects can be felt for life.

But that's not the problem.
The mind's in a whirl, everything's messed up
Doubts. Uncertainties. Dilemma.
They run amok in my Mind.

"What's in your mind?
Do you mind sharing?
I know I may be noisy,
but when I listen,
I'll jolly do well to listen intently,
with my heart,
because you're the one talking."

"I'm a little different from the guy you percieved me as."

Well, everybody changed. So have I.
But is it for the better?
Even I do not possess the answer.

How bout you? Do you have the answer I seek?

Bestow me Strength, Courage and A Will of My Own

Termination

Hmm.
I'm tempted to close this blog down.
Hmm~ Temptation.

Happened to chance upon them in Azi's blog while wasting time.



LoL. I'm almost a saint -.-

I can't make it through without a way back into...

Hmm. There're somethings that is distracting me from my daily activities in life.
Somethings which weigh heavily in my mind.
Things which distract me from my studies.
Simple, linear tasks which would seem idiot proof by my standards in the past, suddenly becomes tedious and mind boggling to complete.

Silly, perhaps laughable mistakes which I should or would not have committed when I'm mentally sane, confident or joyful, keep appearing recently. Errors which I would rarely allow to occur on purpose keep appearing before my very eyes, even though I didnt plan for them to happen.

A sudden loss in insight, a rapid decline in the ability to grapse basic logical concepts, the apparent dip in memory, and finally, irregular sleeping habits. All of which can only be the symptoms of... Something. I dont really know what is that illness/disease/disability or whatsoever it's called.

If only I could come to terms with them.

Jack, save yourself.
Afterall, you did survive through this once.

Sepia

Hmm, 3rd post into the year 2008.

There's so many things running amok in my mind,
which I would like to say, ask or share,
but it's a mystery to me to why everytime I touch the keyboard,
staring blankly into the computer screen,
wondering,
"Hey, what was that I wanted to blog about?"

A case of Alzheimer's disease? Maybe.
A case of "OMG I'm TOO Stressed to think of any Nonsense"? Perhaps.
Or..

I'm just going to stay quiet now. =X
LoL.

Well, there's a small possibility that after losing my guiding light, I've been wandering aimlessly seeking for the lost light. It's similar to addiction, and I know it. I dont need anyone else to point it out blankly at my face. So what if I still yearn for it? I....

A HedgeHog's Dilema.

Stressed.Doubly Stressed. Bloody Stressed.

Yes, yes, this is another post detailing how Daily Life sucks (Especially for me and I really wonder why).

I'm starting to hate myself for taking so much responsibility, though I had ample warnings from my MJ seniors, and I still regret for not withdrawing.

So the question is : Should I withdraw now, and leave everything as it is for now?

But it's not one, but numerous questions which constantly flash in my mind.

"Am I Stupid?"
"Am I useless?"
"Am I different?"
"Why can the others can away when they're in fault? Why do I have to suffer in their place?"
"Why humans are so superficial?"
"Why are some people so rotten and disgusting inside, and yet they're treated like Gems?"
"Who am I really?"


Horrible questions which poisons the mind. I believe I'm tad close to being insane. And I know I'm gonna be in some teachers's naughty list for "not listening" in classes. I know I'm weird. And things does not help, or improve, when you have people who claims to be friends but make every attempt to make you feel even more rotten, more depressed, more... silent.

I guess,
This is why my eyesight seems to be worsening;
This world is becoming too Hideous for me to view.

My hearing declining ever rapidly;
This world has lost its music. What is left is noise and static.

My speech losing clarity and difficulty in expressing;
What's left to talk when no one listens?

I want my life back.

Looking for Lost ZZZs | Sounds like Z, Looks like Z, Comes in Triplets | Offering $ as Reward

Well, I've been "pre-occupied" for this past few months, and I shall remain in this state for God Knows How Long~, so I'll start off 2008's first post with this.

"BLOODY HELL, LIFE SUCKS. For now"

LOL. Sorry for the crude language above, but I had to vent these frustrations somewhere. I'm never good with destressing, cause I can rarely find things to keep me amuse, or satisfy me, so... Yeah, I suck at destressing. Not to mention sleep and Fun deprived. I miss spacing out, I miss doodling, I miss daydreaming, I miss napping, I miss my 13hr sleep Marathon too. I miss a hell lot of stuffs.

Anyway, at least I'm adapting better to the *AHEM* "Harsh" MJC, I learned how to at least do your homework with a 3/4 cooked brain, bloodshot burning hot eyes and also head splitting headaches which seems to plague me since Christmas 2007. Let's hope that my personal health wont go down anymore. Personally with a "strong" imagination, I can picture myself looking *@#&$^%*@^&$&@*@&#$* in the near future.

God knows how many more months are left to the bloody A levels, but it seems like Armageddon to me. The Judgement day for all JC students to determine if they are worthy of entering Universities or not, with the latter meaning you're as good as dead; Screwed. Haiz, let me do a mini checklist on my studies:

H2 Maths ; Shaky - Checked
H2 Chem ; Cannot make it - Checked
H2 Physics; Never had a chance - Checked
H1 Econs ; I lack Common Sense - Checked

Yep. A levels now seems like a galaxy away from me (Go figure how far is that o.O!), and I need luck. Lots and lots of it. Apparently I've used up mine during last year's Promos. LoL, first and foremost, a Thank You of HUMONGOUS Proportion to Ms Gladys from Miranda 2 for offering to give luck to me for free, but as of now I have yet to receive any =X

= I wanna play Pool | Billiard =

Ang Mohs bully old trishaw rider

My God.

I just read this article and also saw the video.
Both were bout' 3 Caucasians bullying this old trishaw rider.
Ok maybe not 3, but 2 of the 3 Caucasians.
But to bully an elder who's like 3 times, or even 4 times your age..
That is unpardonable. In fact, I bet The Whole Singapore Population cannot condone such *retarded* actions.

I mean,
Just listen to what the Heck they're saying over the video:


"2 mph? I can walk faster than this!"
- Well, the dear Trishaw rider is an old folk, and the combined weight of those 3 "AngMohs" is bout 200+Kg. And again, the old rider ain't no superman, he cant just zoom across Singapore.

"$10?! Out of your ***ing head!"
- Well, it may be expensive, but there's no need to make such crude comment. Not to mention you guys were sniggering, making sarcastic remark bout' the old rider. And also the "We got robbed, so we'll give you $5!" part.

I only got this to say:
"SPUT OFF. Insulting your elders is a unforgivable sin. Posting the video of how you guys make fun of the rider on YouTube is literally the purchasing of a One Way Ticket straight to Hell. And grow up. Pardon me for the inappropriate language used."

Well, again,
My God.
This is such a sad incident.

Intrusion has been logged.

Hmm.
Apparently, I've grown accustomed to depriving myself from sleep.
Regardless how tired I am,
I refuse to sleep early. Early as in before 12am just for your info.

So, my apparent "Blurness" is attributed to sleep deprivation.
Now, I'm not acting Blur. I'm seriously blur.
And I think I'm over reacting. It's like the Geek Alarm as gone wild.

And to also further complicate matters, the Holiday season, which is a mere 2 months long, is packed with my J1 revisions, CCA and OGL related stuffs.

Jia Lat liao seh.

I must really, really, really learn to manage time properly.
Time is a luxury which I cannot afford. God has not granted me this right.

[| Stop punishing yourself. Stop it. |]

lolololololllololololol

LoL.

I'm going Nuts.
And this is obvious for I actually blogged for the past few days.
My mind is undergoing multiple waves of sieges
By not One, by Two adversaries.

Holy Holy Holy.

My senses are growing dull.
Eyes, Ears, Nose, Mouth, Touch.
My brain is going numb.
I cant even synthesize a speech properly.
Let alone piece a series of logical thoughts.

Will I ever have a decent break?
Nah. Hard to say for now.

Life's little mystery

What the Shit.

Sleep Deprivation leads to :

- Impairing of the immune system
- Impairing brain processes such as learning and memory
- Dramatically overreact to bad experiences

So Emotions run Amok.
People go insane.
The Grim Reaper is coming closer and closer.
Soon we'll feel his breath on our neck.

Are things that simple?
Have a good night sleep and everything will go well?
Prove it.

Reference:
Yahoo News (2007) :
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20071022/sc_livescience/emotionsrunamokinsleepdeprivedbrains
Livescience (2007) :
http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/070109_sleep.html

A Compound Mind.

Help.

I'm mentally exhausted.
I'm going hysterical.
I'm feeling nauseous bout everything.
Why is life so unfair?

Please make my life a colourful one.
I'm sick of it being Black and White everyday.
Where has the music gone to?
All I hear now are noises.
I want the melodies to return.

Exorcise the Demons which filthied our precious earth,
Banish them back to where they belong - The Shadows
May their presence never be felt again.

Where's the sun and the moon?
I miss their warmth and beauty.
Wait, right. They disappeared.

These are all orchestrated by it:
The Phantom.
In my mind.
Get. Out. Of. My. Our. Mind(s).
I. We. Dont need you.

Like A Summer SunShine

The Promos are all over,
Halo 3 completed. Twice.
CCA meetings and projects are once again reinstated.

Time flies.

10 months have past so swiftly.

For the first time of my life.
I despise sleeping.
I fear emptiness. I despise voidness.
And I wonder the reasons why.

Hmm.
I think I have a new interest in : Expressionism.
Just an interest to toy around.

Anyway, I finally got the answer to a question which I asked almost a year back.
But, the answer seemed obvious to me.
But I chose Optimism, and yet Optimism can backfire in certain cases.
Thankfully I expected such outcome.
The blow was softened.

But still, I appreciate the given answer.
I can learn and grow.
I can be a better man.

These are what make Life more colourful and enriching.
And this is what keeps me entertained.
I dont want to miss out anything.

But still, it wont hurt to have someone to share it with.

The Looming Shadow

Act One :

Panic begins to set in.
The Heart pumps with increasing acceleration.

Act Two :

Anxiety and Fear strikes.
The Mind braces itself for impact.
The Body shivers.

Act Three :

Temporal mental instability kicks in.
Hallucinations are present everywhere.

Final Act :

Stress reaches critical levels.
The Promos has arrived.

May the Promos go well for all.