A HedgeHog's Dilema.

Stressed.Doubly Stressed. Bloody Stressed.

Yes, yes, this is another post detailing how Daily Life sucks (Especially for me and I really wonder why).

I'm starting to hate myself for taking so much responsibility, though I had ample warnings from my MJ seniors, and I still regret for not withdrawing.

So the question is : Should I withdraw now, and leave everything as it is for now?

But it's not one, but numerous questions which constantly flash in my mind.

"Am I Stupid?"
"Am I useless?"
"Am I different?"
"Why can the others can away when they're in fault? Why do I have to suffer in their place?"
"Why humans are so superficial?"
"Why are some people so rotten and disgusting inside, and yet they're treated like Gems?"
"Who am I really?"


Horrible questions which poisons the mind. I believe I'm tad close to being insane. And I know I'm gonna be in some teachers's naughty list for "not listening" in classes. I know I'm weird. And things does not help, or improve, when you have people who claims to be friends but make every attempt to make you feel even more rotten, more depressed, more... silent.

I guess,
This is why my eyesight seems to be worsening;
This world is becoming too Hideous for me to view.

My hearing declining ever rapidly;
This world has lost its music. What is left is noise and static.

My speech losing clarity and difficulty in expressing;
What's left to talk when no one listens?

I want my life back.

Looking for Lost ZZZs | Sounds like Z, Looks like Z, Comes in Triplets | Offering $ as Reward

Well, I've been "pre-occupied" for this past few months, and I shall remain in this state for God Knows How Long~, so I'll start off 2008's first post with this.

"BLOODY HELL, LIFE SUCKS. For now"

LOL. Sorry for the crude language above, but I had to vent these frustrations somewhere. I'm never good with destressing, cause I can rarely find things to keep me amuse, or satisfy me, so... Yeah, I suck at destressing. Not to mention sleep and Fun deprived. I miss spacing out, I miss doodling, I miss daydreaming, I miss napping, I miss my 13hr sleep Marathon too. I miss a hell lot of stuffs.

Anyway, at least I'm adapting better to the *AHEM* "Harsh" MJC, I learned how to at least do your homework with a 3/4 cooked brain, bloodshot burning hot eyes and also head splitting headaches which seems to plague me since Christmas 2007. Let's hope that my personal health wont go down anymore. Personally with a "strong" imagination, I can picture myself looking *@#&$^%*@^&$&@*@&#$* in the near future.

God knows how many more months are left to the bloody A levels, but it seems like Armageddon to me. The Judgement day for all JC students to determine if they are worthy of entering Universities or not, with the latter meaning you're as good as dead; Screwed. Haiz, let me do a mini checklist on my studies:

H2 Maths ; Shaky - Checked
H2 Chem ; Cannot make it - Checked
H2 Physics; Never had a chance - Checked
H1 Econs ; I lack Common Sense - Checked

Yep. A levels now seems like a galaxy away from me (Go figure how far is that o.O!), and I need luck. Lots and lots of it. Apparently I've used up mine during last year's Promos. LoL, first and foremost, a Thank You of HUMONGOUS Proportion to Ms Gladys from Miranda 2 for offering to give luck to me for free, but as of now I have yet to receive any =X

= I wanna play Pool | Billiard =

Ang Mohs bully old trishaw rider

My God.

I just read this article and also saw the video.
Both were bout' 3 Caucasians bullying this old trishaw rider.
Ok maybe not 3, but 2 of the 3 Caucasians.
But to bully an elder who's like 3 times, or even 4 times your age..
That is unpardonable. In fact, I bet The Whole Singapore Population cannot condone such *retarded* actions.

I mean,
Just listen to what the Heck they're saying over the video:


"2 mph? I can walk faster than this!"
- Well, the dear Trishaw rider is an old folk, and the combined weight of those 3 "AngMohs" is bout 200+Kg. And again, the old rider ain't no superman, he cant just zoom across Singapore.

"$10?! Out of your ***ing head!"
- Well, it may be expensive, but there's no need to make such crude comment. Not to mention you guys were sniggering, making sarcastic remark bout' the old rider. And also the "We got robbed, so we'll give you $5!" part.

I only got this to say:
"SPUT OFF. Insulting your elders is a unforgivable sin. Posting the video of how you guys make fun of the rider on YouTube is literally the purchasing of a One Way Ticket straight to Hell. And grow up. Pardon me for the inappropriate language used."

Well, again,
My God.
This is such a sad incident.

Intrusion has been logged.

Hmm.
Apparently, I've grown accustomed to depriving myself from sleep.
Regardless how tired I am,
I refuse to sleep early. Early as in before 12am just for your info.

So, my apparent "Blurness" is attributed to sleep deprivation.
Now, I'm not acting Blur. I'm seriously blur.
And I think I'm over reacting. It's like the Geek Alarm as gone wild.

And to also further complicate matters, the Holiday season, which is a mere 2 months long, is packed with my J1 revisions, CCA and OGL related stuffs.

Jia Lat liao seh.

I must really, really, really learn to manage time properly.
Time is a luxury which I cannot afford. God has not granted me this right.

[| Stop punishing yourself. Stop it. |]

lolololololllololololol

LoL.

I'm going Nuts.
And this is obvious for I actually blogged for the past few days.
My mind is undergoing multiple waves of sieges
By not One, by Two adversaries.

Holy Holy Holy.

My senses are growing dull.
Eyes, Ears, Nose, Mouth, Touch.
My brain is going numb.
I cant even synthesize a speech properly.
Let alone piece a series of logical thoughts.

Will I ever have a decent break?
Nah. Hard to say for now.

Life's little mystery

What the Shit.

Sleep Deprivation leads to :

- Impairing of the immune system
- Impairing brain processes such as learning and memory
- Dramatically overreact to bad experiences

So Emotions run Amok.
People go insane.
The Grim Reaper is coming closer and closer.
Soon we'll feel his breath on our neck.

Are things that simple?
Have a good night sleep and everything will go well?
Prove it.

Reference:
Yahoo News (2007) :
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20071022/sc_livescience/emotionsrunamokinsleepdeprivedbrains
Livescience (2007) :
http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/070109_sleep.html

A Compound Mind.

Help.

I'm mentally exhausted.
I'm going hysterical.
I'm feeling nauseous bout everything.
Why is life so unfair?

Please make my life a colourful one.
I'm sick of it being Black and White everyday.
Where has the music gone to?
All I hear now are noises.
I want the melodies to return.

Exorcise the Demons which filthied our precious earth,
Banish them back to where they belong - The Shadows
May their presence never be felt again.

Where's the sun and the moon?
I miss their warmth and beauty.
Wait, right. They disappeared.

These are all orchestrated by it:
The Phantom.
In my mind.
Get. Out. Of. My. Our. Mind(s).
I. We. Dont need you.

Like A Summer SunShine

The Promos are all over,
Halo 3 completed. Twice.
CCA meetings and projects are once again reinstated.

Time flies.

10 months have past so swiftly.

For the first time of my life.
I despise sleeping.
I fear emptiness. I despise voidness.
And I wonder the reasons why.

Hmm.
I think I have a new interest in : Expressionism.
Just an interest to toy around.

Anyway, I finally got the answer to a question which I asked almost a year back.
But, the answer seemed obvious to me.
But I chose Optimism, and yet Optimism can backfire in certain cases.
Thankfully I expected such outcome.
The blow was softened.

But still, I appreciate the given answer.
I can learn and grow.
I can be a better man.

These are what make Life more colourful and enriching.
And this is what keeps me entertained.
I dont want to miss out anything.

But still, it wont hurt to have someone to share it with.

The Looming Shadow

Act One :

Panic begins to set in.
The Heart pumps with increasing acceleration.

Act Two :

Anxiety and Fear strikes.
The Mind braces itself for impact.
The Body shivers.

Act Three :

Temporal mental instability kicks in.
Hallucinations are present everywhere.

Final Act :

Stress reaches critical levels.
The Promos has arrived.

May the Promos go well for all.

The Impending Genocide

When the starts of the P.R.O.M.O. Exams drawing near, it is inevitable that people will feel anxiety, fear, stress. And so on.

But all these tension bout the Promo Exams are somewhat of the scale :

It actually feels like the impending exam spells doom for the whole of mankind, and everyone is grieving.

And this is the first time in my short 17 years, that I actually see such an atmosphere. Well, I personally believe that this will not be the last time I'll be seeing such an ambience.

The mood before the exam is hazardously infectious.
One cant help but to feel depress.
But the magnitude of depression varies for each and everyone.

I've heard numerous stories which prophesied people with the capability to get promoted to J2 being retained.

I've to say that it's absolute nonsense. Have a little faith in yourself people~!

Have faith, don't be deluded. And believe.
________________________________________________________

A silent prayer for all my College friends.
May everyone get promoted and be enlightened on the importance of the A level exams.
May everyone remain healthy and cheerful, for their moods influence my day.

And an additional prayer for you : Shine on. Smile beautifully for eternity.

Dangyunhaji

Who've expected that Silence is able to simply debunk everything I've believed in.

Who would have known that Silence is able to make you feel Regret? Sorrow? Guilt? Anxiety?

You never gave me an verbal answer.
Though your actions had seem to answer my question to you.

You made me question my values. My Worth. My Character.
It's kinda degrading ya know?
Not to at least a clear cut answer.
But I dont blame you.
I'm plagued by insecurities for a very, very long time. It's a matter or personal perception.

It has been decided that this shall come to a standstill.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I'm gonna learn Lee Jong Soo's eagle-eyed mode.
I'm gonna search for my lost wittiness.
I'm gonna let go - But never fully.
Cause it's through this that I learn.

A Pang of Guilt

Something happened abruptly last Thursday.
Something which no one expected to happen.
Something which is totally unpredictable.

A Male Teacher Wept.

All this while he worried most for the 27 students of 07S208, but his care towards his students went unappreciated. Students still led life like nothing else in the world mattered, when in reality, their failures during the Promos examination may cost them their bright future. He worries,

He bought cookies and chocolate bars for the "improving" students,
but yet he could not keep his grief. Tears fell.

Yet some people took it upon as a joke. Saddening.

What vile creatures are we to make a teacher, a Male Teacher to tear?

Remarks made to the class have been poor. This indirectly highlights how effective the CT is. The class had been also highlighted as "The Class with Potential", but what is the reasons for such poor grades? Time management? Stress? Laziness?

Not that I've not heard of those. And I do not know the reasons to why the others produce such poor results.

For mine. I guess it's my character.
I question alot about everything.
I lack motivations.
I lack the stamina to stick through my resolutions.
I'm weak minded.

Sorry to whip up another excuse, but my confidence has been eroded away.
Not much of it remains.
And confidence isnt built up within a day.

But. Enough of this excuses.
Even with the lack of confidence, motivation,
I shall blind myself momentarily from the reality,
to strive hard for the Promos,
for my future, my survial depends on it.

Most importantly, there's still a speck of dissatisfaction which resides in me. Although small, it's slightly significant to push me to prepare for the Promos.

Hakuna Matata

Nobody follows the philosophy behind Hakuna Matata.

Which is quite saddening.

The hectic lifestyle.
The increasing workload.
The increasing nonsense I hear.
And again, no one understands.

How boring. How Frustrating. How saddening.

Guess I'm a little too busy recently to blog what I really want, so I guess most of my thoughs will be stuck in my head. My heart. For a while.

After the Promos and PW presentation, I'm so gonna slack. Like I always did during secondary school days, except I wonder if it still feels as good as it did before. Slacking in my JC, is condemned by almost everyone. Makes me wonder, once again, to why I chose JC over Poly. Not that poly is slack, but I'm more adapted for the Poly way of life.

Haiz. I want my slack slack Life back please. And I want the Halo 3 : legendary edition too. Mircosoft, please import it to Singapore. Share the joy~ After all the 360 slogan is :" It's good to play together." So why keep us out sia?

If you're Nice, Sweet, Honest and Sincere, Hakuna Matata. Dont lie though.

The Silent Whimper

Well I cant believe I'm was so busy for the past few weeks, that it almost virtually killed me off. I managed to survive with just really dark eye bags, a persistent sore throat, a bloody weird feeling like over-stretching of the neck and a flu. Right now my head is feeling warm, my nose feels kinda stingy. I've checked the mirror, it made my eye bags looked even more obvious. Why am I'm blogging now instead of resting? Heck if I know.

I think I'm not really myself for the past few months. I've lived those days like some zombie, or with some alien manipulating my body with some weird devices. Everything seems oblivious to me. Maybe it's just mental fatigue. Physically, I seem normal. Mentally, I'm exhausted. It's almost near the breaking point. The reason is kinda dumb if you ask me. It's neither bout the hectic JC life, it's not bout being disappointed with your CCA nor it's not about not being able to meet any with the same frequency.

It's about me. Me(s).

In my head, there seems to be a war waging between two parties. Or perhaps even more. Who knows? Those stuffs above regarding bout the school and stuffs, well, they're more like catalysts. Something happened early this year, and I forgot what really happened. Or what even happened. I just lost faith in my view, my values, my beliefs and everything else. I lost faith in myself.

This bloody war in my head is getting into me. The mind could only handle so much, yet it still marvels me. Almost a year and still going quite strong, but it's showing signs of cracks in its defences.

I need faith, but faith only exists for those who truly believes in it?

Mid Life Crisis

Well, it's almost official. I'm having something like a great interest in Business related stuffs. Something like... Science Practical. You get to do hands on~!

Another thing is that, yeah, my colleague, Charles (Not the Charles of 07S208, but the other Charles who's Indian and works in Mediatron Advertising XD).

Dont engage in BGR while you're in JC. Man, from the numerous JC relationship failures I've seen so far, I'm curious to know if it's due to information failure, incompatibility, shift in focus in life or it's just the plain old "I've found a better person, so...I choose him/her over you" kind of crap.

Yawnz. Along with the coming Promos, Double Yawnz. With no holidays in sight, Triple Yawnz. Man, I need a GOOD motivation to mug sia.

I'm starting to question alot of things, bout myself, bout life and almost everything else. Mid Life crisis? So early? I'm like 17 only SIA. Man I'm gonna dying so young YAWNZ. I still wanna have kids sia. I like Kids. I simply adore their innocence.

I still cant shake it off man. I just cant.

Oh by the way people, catch the Halo 3 E3 trailer 2007. IT's AWESOME.
And some things never change. My brother is a fcuking retard. But he's a little better than some others I knew. The only difference between my Bro and them is that my Bro sucks at acting. Suck ALOT.

Temperament

Well, personally I think, we humans have underestimated the power of Time.

It can shape mountains, bring the mightiest trees down to their knees, silence active volcanoes, change the face of our Blue Planet as well.

Time also reveals the true intent of us, Humanity. This process, well, isnt a pleasant one. Time erodes our patience. It peels off our protective layers, which some of us have given the term "Masks", barring our inner most thoughts to our surrounding. This is when, People will truly know who're they interacting with.

They tell us, who we really are.

And I can say that...I'm appalled by what I've seen. Enough to change my thoughts radically. Is such phenomenon normal?

What people truly says and react contradicts. What?
People use flaws to attack each other. Why?
People with no passion for the things they do. Then why continue doing it?
Why people must be selfish? Why can't they be nice and friendly to each other? Can't they just just smile and enjoy the moment?

The importance of tolerance as a virtue. How many Singaporeans are following it? And how many actually believe in it? How many of YOU actually follow this virtue from YOUR OWN HEART, but not just because it's convenient?

Being exhausted and weary gives you no right to put someone down. There was never such rights. For those people who does it proudly, congratulation. You seriously disgust me, and some are much closer than I've thought. WTF do they have to do this? It shows how powerful you are? No, in fact, it shows that you're immature, weak and twisted. You may have friends, but True Friends? God Knows.

I've tried so hard, and got so far
In the end, it doesnt even matter.
I had to fall, to lose it all
In the end, it doesnt even matter.

Well, I'm awed by BumbleBee. Songs roughly depicts what you feel.

When things start to piece together.

Hmm...

11.7.07

A great day to start. Ho Hum.

Sometimes, things just happen when you least expected them, like for me today.

Who would had known I would receive Enlightenment today? I didnt even expected it though, it's just strange and compelling. I felt that...I just had to go there and have a chat with him.

Viola~ Enlightenment. Made me a little Mature (I hope LoL). Made me, a little more appreciative of everything around me. I've also gained/changed some views bout certain aspects of Life, and...

I really want to cherish people around me. Especially those I love dearly.

It happened to be on this day. The no. 117 appeared here. Makes me wonder bout God. Assuming if you exist, is this some sort of sign? Guidance? Or just a nice slap on the back kind of encouragement?

I'm slowly mugging. Focus on my JC studies. I also have a promise made, though it's not acknowledged. But I should be contented for now. Let Faith and Destiny work their magic.

Doubts

When One has doubts, he will not achieve much.
When One has alot doubts, he will achieve nothing.

As we're exposed to more and more information from all around us, we start to question more and more of it. For questions we do not have a definite answers to, we can only speculate a conclusion. When these conclusions start to show their flaws, we get unnerved. When we get nervous, we have doubts. Doubts will then lead us to question again, and thus begin this never ending cycle.

Like a human body, The Mind can get exhausted due to "over questioning".
This is when, The Mind just shut itself out from the outside influences.
This is when Life just goes all straight down.

For doubts to be removed, there must be motivation and purpose, one as the fuel and the other as a path. This is when the mind will solely focus on this task, and gradually let go all doubts.
Find a Life Long Motivation. Live it. Fulfil it. Find someone who'll spur you on to continue towards that goal.

If only school was a Boss monsters or something. At least it can be defeated.

YAWNZ.

It's already July le.

Times flies when you're in JC. Back in the good old secondary school days, time didnt even fly that fast. I had time to nap, play games(Lots of it too), watch TV and just spacing out. Now... Time has officially become some sort of scarcity. My demand for Time is TOO BIG. So big that it's eating into my sleeping time.

And what's cause without effects? Stiff necks. Worse than before, and it feels more and more like someone is either squeezing or stretching the hell out of my neck/shoulder muscles. Another thing is that my body, apparently has reached its limits, or I'm getting old liao. I cant survive long nights. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I cant survive Long Nights and Long Days continuously. And to make it worse, I quickly adapted back to sleeping after morning (How's 6am for starters? Now imagine for the whole of June Holidays..), and when school started, it was HELL FOR ME. Eyes feeling like they've been in the oven, my mind and limbs are getting more and more numb by this exhaustion. My mind is a total blank during school mornings, having less controls over my limbs, aching neck and sometimes fingers, and ultimately. My speech. Man, how to speak when your mind is like...TOTALLY WASTED SIA. It's a miracle that I can still even move my mouth to speak.

I feel like a wasted person. Haiz. Rotting in the inside too. This lifestyle sucks sia. There's no "true" purpose, I only live to mug. YAWNZ. Where's all the fun? Though there's this sayin' :

In every Job that has to be done, there's an element of Fun. And when you find the Fun, SNAP! The Job's a game~!

Sorry people, I'm not saint or some workaholic. I do thinks cause it's Fun. Or if it serves a meaningful purpose. And well. Studying has some fun, which I surprisingly found out last year during the "Month Long Mugging With Uncle John and Friends", but...In JC, it isnt bout studying. It's bout everything else except Fun. Fun via learning? Nah, not during my schooling time. Maybe in the future? God knows.

Politics exists at various education levels, primary, secondary etc. But after graduating from secondary school, One may be surprised by how intense Politics are in JCs. I dont know bout Poly, but from how I view it, if you like Projects, then it's your calling. As for JCs, it's the breeding ground for potential future politicians. But they need more time to mature though, cause at this level, most tend to decide on matters using their emotions.

Workload is another killer, cause you'll be in school for bout...10 hours. Yeap. 10 whopping hours. Not including travelling time by the way. Even adults dont require to work that long sia. And another thing? They get paid.

Democracy in schools are bullshit. Sorry for the strong word used. But it's full shit. Seriously. Vote for someone cause they look hot? Please, we're voting for people who'll devote their time and effort for the school, not voting for "The Hottest Babe and Hunk". Another thing, Popularity vote? SHEESH. Dont vote for people cause they're your friends. In fact, you should decide and vote by concluding if they could handle such responsibilities. Sometimes, popularity voting can be brought to another higher level, which I personally seen before. Your friends expect, and in fact, ask you to vote for a certain someone, and you're expected to do so, cause when friends tell you to do something, you must accomplish it. So, if you dont do so, you'll be questioned, and suay suay ar, the friendship's over. Sad huh, when people say kids and teens nowadays mature faster, well. I think it's in terms of Fashion. Nothing much bout the being rational part.

Exams, HAIZ. THE MOST DEGRADING and THE MOST LETHAL thing you can ever experience in JC life. Exams are much tougher compared to the ones you had back in secondary school or even primary school. Well for example, I've obtained U (The Lowest ever grade you can possibly ever get) for all subjects except Chinese. Ok, I've not gotten back my maths paper yet, but oh well. I guess it's a U.But I got 23 for Physics even though I didnt study for it, I didnt even attempt most tutorials, and I got a 23. Compared to some I know who mugged hard, they got bout 30+. So...Mugging could only get you an additional 10 marks only. Rewarding? Hard to say.

The subjects I'm studying now are kinda interesting, but the school life and exams just have to kill it off. Life now just sucks. Well sorry for being pessimistic, but I dont really like the idea of lying to myself and saying,"Hey, Life's great~! I've having a great time getting killed off by school."

Mid years in 4 more days. *Waves GoodBye to Mid Years*

Well, this is just going great.

Chem revision is going a little off pace, and I just found out I misplaced my chp 5 : Gases notes. OMG.
Maths revision, well, may start soon.
Econs....Well, may start soon. After Maths.
Physics...Erm, well. *Waves goodbye to Physics* - I dont understand nuts bout that laws of the universe. I seriously question myself to why I did not choose the Bio Stream. And also why in the world, did I didnt choose Poly.
Chinese - Chinese? Must study meh?

Well, I just hope I can get a minimum sub-pass for all subjects, but...

I dont think it's possible. And damn, I dont wanna get retained.

Holidays made my lazy. Made me turn nocturnal. Made me restless. Made me fat. Made me think alot bout stuffs.

-Hmm, thinking bout stuffs. Some things are just left so complex and puzzlong to understand, but it's all part of the thrill. I'm a thrill seeker LoL.

-And also, somethings never change. Like my brother. "King" of the house, and I can see the effort made by him to be the center of EVERYTHING, regardless it to be of a positive, or negative aspect. AND NEVER TUTOR HIM FOR MATHS. NEVER. Trust me.

-Oh just to add. My attention span for studies was successfully prolonged to 45mins. Gradz. Now to prolong it to an hour...